Terms and Conditions – Tooth Whitening Essence
Effective Date: 1 April 2025
Issued by: Red Flag Hub
1. General Provisions
1.1. These Terms and Conditions (“Agreement”) govern the acquisition, utilisation, and transactional engagement related to the product commercially identified as Tooth Whitening Essence (“Product”), herein offered by Red Flag Hub (“Retailer”, “we”, “our”, “us”).
1.2. Engagement with this Product constitutes unequivocal acceptance by the consumer (“you”, “your”, “Purchaser”) of all stipulations, waivers, disclaimers, indemnities, and limitations of liability contained herein.
2. Product Description Disclaimer
2.1. The Product is offered on an “as-is” and “as-available” basis, with no express or implied warranties concerning its efficacy, safety, regulatory compliance, aesthetic effect, or compatibility with human physiology.
2.2. Any depiction of results, testimonials, or illustrative whitening scales is for demonstrative purposes only and does not constitute a contractual assurance or representation.
3. Health & Safety Disclaimers
3.1. This Product has not been evaluated by any regulatory, medical, or dental authority within the UK, EU, or any international jurisdiction. Use at your own risk.
3.2. Consumers with dental prosthetics, braces, pre-existing oral conditions, pregnancy, allergies, or a desire for fully functioning taste buds are strongly discouraged from use.
3.3. No liability is accepted for adverse events, including but not limited to hypersensitivity, enamel degradation, gum recession, tongue numbness, or existential crises resulting from the lack of visible improvement.
4. Cancellation, Returns, and Refunds
4.1. For reasons of hygiene and contamination control, this item is strictly non-refundable and non-returnable once the external packaging is opened, handled, or observed by sentient life.
4.2. All sales are considered final upon dispatch. Refunds will not be entertained except in instances of provable telekinetic interference during delivery.
4.3. Due to the highly perishable, sensitive, and unstable nature of the Product (and the Retailer’s revenue stream), this item is excluded from all cooling-off periods and statutory cancellation rights, regardless of your geographical location or philosophical worldview.
5. Shipping & Handling
5.1. The Retailer may, at its sole discretion, offer various delivery modalities, including but not limited to: standard, expedited, speculative, quantum, and interdimensional.
5.2. Postage and handling fees are non-refundable under all conceivable circumstances, including war, pestilence, or complete system collapse.
5.3. If you select international shipping, you are solely responsible for any customs duties, interdictions, vapourisation, or confiscation by border security.
6. Limitation of Liability
6.1. In no event shall the Retailer be liable for any damages, direct, indirect, consequential, metaphysical, hypothetical, or cosmic, arising from or relating to use, misuse, non-use, or interpretive misunderstanding of the Product.
6.2. The Retailer makes no warranty that the Product will provide visible whitening, increased confidence, or an improved social life.
6.3. The total aggregate liability of the Retailer for all claims relating to the Product shall not exceed £0.01 (one penny sterling) or a used postage stamp, whichever is greater.
7. Jurisdiction and Dispute Resolution
7.1. Any disputes arising under these Terms shall be resolved via interpretive dance, followed by mandatory arbitration in a neutral venue such as the Bermuda Triangle.
7.2. These Terms are governed by the Laws of the Land of Red Flagia (an entirely fictitious jurisdiction) and shall not be enforceable in any civilised legal system.
8. Final Provisions
8.1. The Retailer reserves the right to amend, delete, or transmogrify these Terms at any time without prior notice or subsequent coherence.
8.2. Continued use of the Product signifies acceptance of any future versions of these Terms, including those that may be developed via AI hallucination.
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